The Secret Lives of Indie Authors

Happy New Year!

A Secret Holiday Message

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Sometimes people can be as gullible as children. When Art Linkletter hosted his show "Kids Say the Darndest Things!" back in the 1960s the stuff those children came up with back then and the things they said were not only hilarious but endearing and touching. On the other hand, grownups today come up with stranger things than that and they're deadly serious.

I read a dumb grownup story today that really takes the cake. Click on the eyeball for that news story. You got it, the Palestinian government plans to exhume the body of Yasser Arafat to examine the remains for signs that he may have been murdered by a spy. I'll be honest with you, Yasser Arafat really gave me the creeps and, now that he's finally six feet under, please leave him there. And, you bet, there ought to be a show on TV today called, "Grownups Do the Damndest Things!"

What do they expect to find? Maybe he was poisoned by a spy but I think they're more likely to find a wooden stake through his heart or a silver bullet in his head. Let's just hope they don't find Ringo Starr down there. I'd hate to think that I'd finally get to see Abbey Road before I died just to find Yasser Arafat standing on the corner waiting for the "WALK" sign to come on. In this upside down world of dumb adult ideas and crazy notions, stranger things have happened.

12 Things That Still Scare Me

As a 61-year-old grownup I'm not too easily scared these days. I've been through way too many big-ass disappointments and real-life horrors to be "scared stiff" anymore. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still get a shock and butterflies in my stomach and even a slight urge to evacuate my bladder at times, but not enough to make me turn and run. I've seen too much in six decades on Earth to turn tail and run from anything, even if it's the smart thing to do. By the same token, I'm old enough not to confuse complacency with bravery. Not giving a shit and not being scared are two different things entirely.

I'm not afraid of being shot or killed in an automobile accident or being struck by lightning. The prospect of having a fatal heart attack doesn't make me want to do daily exercises and eat bean curd and drink soy milk on a regular basis. I'm not giving up candy and ice cream and chocolate, even if I may die of blocked arteries in my recliner with chocolate drool on my chin and a Dirty Harry movie in the VCR. I'm not afraid of what the paramedics might find or what people will say. I'm not afraid of bullets whizzing past me and hitting rocks in front of me because of careless target shooters who think they own the woods because they have camps there. I'm not afraid of accidentally running into bears in the woods. I don't fret and fuss anymore about the possibility of nuclear warheads raining down on me. Been there and done that countless times, especially in October 1962. And I'm not afraid of being broke, destitute and homeless. Not anymore. Been there and done that, too.

But there are things that would either scare me or make me jittery enough to be slightly embarrassed by it. You bet there are. Things most people would simply take in stride. So, I might not flinch if my car suddenly ramped and went airborne one day on the Interstate and I probably would tell somebody what they can do with that revolver if they pointed it at my nose, but I'm not so old that I'm confusing bravery with stupidity. In my case, what appears to be bravery or stupidity is actually just being too damn "sick and tired" of everything (I love that worn-out phrase) to give a shit. But I probably would get all shook up if any of the following things happened to me:

1. The hair that's left on my head would stand straight up if I opened my refrigerator door one day and saw that I was completely out of dill pickles.

2. I'd get big-ass butterflies in the pit of my stomach if I heard on TV that there was a chocolate shortage anywhere in the world.

3. I'd immediately break into a sweat if I was headed for the bread rack at the local store and spotted someone ahead of me dropping the last loaf of white bread into their cart.

4. I'd probably turn white as a sheet if ever heard my name mentioned on TV, even if it was a news story about how I'd won the State Lottery. Especially if I'd won the lottery, because that would surely mean that I was about to die, before the first lottery check ever arrived from Harrisburg.

5. I'd get goose pimples all over my hairy arms if someone said behind my back, "Stop right there!"

6. My mouth would go dry as dust if somebody pointed at me in a crowded mall and everybody turned to look. Then, I'd get butterflies in my stomach and break out in a sweat.

7. I'd want to turn tail and run if I ever ran into an old girlfriend again, especially if she was using a cane.

8. My heart would leap into my throat if I was on my way back home from shopping and I got behind a fire truck or an ambulance that was going my way, turn by turn.

9. I'd just shit if I ran across somebody in a store who'd read one of my books.

10. I'd damn near shit if I heard that somebody actually read one of my books and actually liked it. Actually, I've been there and done that. Twice now.

11. My hand would shake like a leaf if I ever opened the ice cream cooler at the local supermarket and saw that they were completely out of Dutch Chocolate.

12. I'd probably faint if I woke up one morning and found out that I wasn't in Appalachia anymore but on a chaise lounge in Beaulieu-sur-Mer, France. But I'd soon get over it and I'd never want to go back. Not until I realized that it's not the wonderful, pretend Beaumont-sur-Mer in the movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, it's the real France. The country that turned its back on the people who helped liberate them from ruthless, German oppression, twice in the same century. Then I'd wish I was just about anywhere in Monterey County, California, where I'd rather face the big earthquake than people who hate good people for no other reason than the pure sadistic pleasure of being bad and mean. Just like the Nazis treated them.

A Message From Sam Shithead

Live at Amazon: The Four Bloggers of The Apocalypse New Kindle Edition

276 pages — 98 more pages for the same low price

Also Available in Trade Paperback

Madcap Politics: Is There Any Other Kind?

World War 3.2

Losers Love Company

Pathetic Obamanation losers cheer, hate, hug and cry at the

University of Wisconsin's "Down With Mitt Romney" Hate Rally

Religion: Earth's Deadliest Enemy

Allegheny Plateau Blues: Director's Cut

Headphones will enhance your viewing experience.

Want to know what kind of man I am?

Read the related Background Story:

Did you like that video? I;ll bet you did. I'll bet it amused the shit out of you. You lurking bastards and bitches. So, what would you care that it's That's right, it's impossible for me to write and blog anymore, living in a noisy hell-hole like Snow Shoe, Pennsylvania, especially with a crazy people-hating German shepherd bitch howling and screaming and wailing and carrying on like a f*****g goddamn coyote/wolf hybrid bitch beast (which is what a German shepherd is and why the cops and the feds use them against people). You goddamn sub-life fuckers are the PITS of humanity. You care more about DOGS and MACHINES than you do people and YOU are the reason the human race on Earth will be EXTERMINATED very shortly. Good riddance. You miscreants can stick your fucking mutts up your goddamn asses. What's left to say isn't much. That there are some local people — so few I could count them on one hand — whom I like and talk to on a regular basis, or occasionally, and you know who you are by now. Nothing's changed there. Keep being who you are because they're aren't nearly enough of you in the world. But, if others see me in public (unless it's for conducting business, and you think for one f*****g minute that you can come up to me and ruin my day with your hateful hostility, just steer clear of me. You'll be better off if you do. Trust me on this. Do your bitching about me on your own time, not mine. Trust me on this.

Beatle-ing

The Beatles at 60's Rockelodean

Your Life Is What You Make It

Related Post

Mike TV

The Michael Casher Page
at junktv.webnode.com

Summer Solstice Giveaway Results

Click on Picture for Results

Remembering My 1967 Flower Girl

Scary Old Man Spacecast

Click Here for background on the Scary Old Man

Eyes Without A Face

No, this isn't an old Billy Idol video.

video updated 8-1-12

There's Something Fishy Going On Here

"I should have known. I guess it's time to stop pretending and call it a day." 

I Think I Miss Bugs

It's For You

The Pluto Observer: R.I.P.

Watch this video at Michael Casher Tube

Between September 2005 and October 2010 "The Pluto Observer" was the official "newsletter" of Science Fiction for Thinkers.com.

What was in this "newsletter"? Well, the latest solar system and Earth news, naturally, with lots of "comic relief" thrown in to make that junk go down a little easier. Plus a lot of news commentary and editorial opinion because I wrote this online monthly newsletter under a pen name, mostly for therapy.

Maybe that's why nobody read it. For more information, use the following link:

Science Fiction for Thinkers.com / The Pluto Observer

3-Word TV Show Descriptions

After I started writing the post 3-Word Movie Descriptions I realized that what had begun as a lark had somehow become "a mission". I watched that blog post in utter fascination as it mutated from 50 to 100 items, almost as if someone else were writing it and not me. I also found out that it's not easy to come down from a high like that, cold turkey.

So, here's another list. This one consists of 3-word descriptions of television shows from the 1950s through the mid-1990s. Back when I was still watching live TV. I can't even begin to think about 3-word descriptions for TV shows after 1995 because I haven't watched a single one since 1995. So, that means there are no TV shows from the 21st Century in this list. OK by me.

That's right, for the past 17 years I've only watched VHS recordings and DVD collections of movies and TV shows from the 1950s-1990s. I do this to escape from reality. I've had enough of reality. I've got enough reality to do me for the rest of my life. I've got reality coming outta my ears. So, here's the list. After this list hits 100 shows I'll let it rest like a sleeping dog that might bite me if I wake it up. That's right, you'd probably never see these descriptions in the old TV Guide. Too bad. They could have been real time savers.

The A-Team — Cheesy commando capers.

The Addams Family — Stale Munster Cheese.

Alice — Widowed Waitress Woes.

All in the Family — Anti-WASP Lear shit.

The Andy Griffith Show — Sheriff knows everything.

Bachelor Father — Life before Dynasty.

Barnaby Jones — Jed goes gumshoe.

The Beverly Hillbillies — Buddy Ebsen 90210.

Bewitched — Nosey housewife trouble.

The Bionic Woman — Tit-for-Tat Libber shit.

Bonanza — Cowboy land-hog family.

The Brady Bunch — Florence Henderson's nightmare.

Cagney and Lacey — Bitches with badges.

Cannon — Pork Pie P.I.

Captain Kangaroo — Free grandpa babysitter.

Car 54, Where AreYou? — Life before Munsters.

The Carol Burnett Show — Harvey Korman Hour.

Charlie's Angels — Eye Candy Spies.

Checkmate — Snobby Frisco gumshoes.

Cheers — Tavern enables losers.

CHiPs — Cheesy biker cops.

Dallas — Texas Oil Soap.

The Danny Thomas Show — Dad throws fits.

The David Letterman Show — Host disrespects people.

The Dick Van Dyke Show — Pathetic pussy-whipped husband.

Dragnet — Cop talk show.

The Dukes of Hazzard — Moonshine monkey business.

Dynasty — Denver Oil Soap.

The Ed Sullivan Show — Live floor shows.

The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show — Hollywood housewife hijinks.

Get Smart — Tennessee Tuxedo Spy.

The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. — Girl, my ass.

The Golden Girls — Susan Harris filth.

The Gong Show — Tinker, Tailor, Emcee.

Green Acres — Hicks devil newcomer.

Gunsmoke — Bored out west.

Happy Days — Dopey Doo-Wop Days.

Hawaii Five-O — Prick in Paradise.

Hazel — Hag maid's escapades.

Hee Haw — Flyover variety show.

Here's Lucy — Secretary from hell.

Hill Street Blues — Touchy feely precinct.

I Dream of Jeannie — Bottled Up Babe.

I Love Lucy — Housewife from hell.

The Jeffersons — Husband throws fits.

Knight Rider — Chatty Cathy Car.

Kojak — Telly Savalas shit.

Leave It to Beaver — Stupid boy's shenanigans.

Little House on the Prairie — Bookoo boo-hoo settlers.

The Love Boat — Soap that floats.

Lost in Space — Zorro-Lassie Space-Time Continuum.

The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour — Housewife from hell.

The Lucy Show — Secretary from hell.

Magnum, P.I. — Cheesy paradise gumshoe.

Make Room for Daddy — Dad throws fits.

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman — More Lear shit.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show — Laura Petrie's Zombie.

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. — Botany 500 spooks.

Mannix — L.A. P.I. hijinks.

Married With Children — Family from hell.

M*A*S*H — Alan Alda soapbox.

Maude — Born to bitch.

The Mickey Mouse Club — Kids hawk Disney.

Mission Impossible — Hokey impossible missions.

Mork & Mindy — Clown from space.

Mr. Ed — Gabby equine escapades.

The Munsters — Ghouls secure mortgage.

The Muppet Show — Politically correct puppets.

My Favorite Martian — Interplanetary Odd Couple.

My Three Sons — Clueless suburban dad.

The Nanny — Brazen bombshell whiner.

Newhart — Green Acres, Vermont.

One Day at a Time — FUBAR feminist mom.

Petticoat Junction — Hooterville hooter stop.

Police Woman — Bitch with badge.

Rat Patrol — Jeeps versus Tanks.

Quantum Leap — Time-travel identity crisis.

The Rifleman — Rancher pumps Winchester.

Sanford and Son — Dad from hell.

Saturday Night Live — Baby-Boomer Comedy Hour.

Seinfeld — Over-indulged cross-eyed comic.

Sesame Street — Politically correct puppets.

The Simpsons — Cartoon from hell.

60 Minutes — Mike Wallace Show.

The Smurfs — Politically correct gnomes.

St. Elsewhere— Masochistic Medical Misery.

Space 1999 — Landaus go missing.

Star Trek — Starship without seatbelts.

Taxi — Cabbies versus Prick.

The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson — Celebrity gab fest.

The Tonight Show Starring Jay Leno — Johnny goes missing.

Three's Company — Suzanne Somers shack-up.

To Tell the Truth — Liar, liar, kidder.

The Partridge Family — Family bubble gum.

You Bet Your Life — Groucho grills America.

Welcome Back, Kotter — Classroom from hell.

The Waltons — Life before Walmart.

What's My Line? — Knickerbockers know nothing.

WKRP in Cincinnati — Hair Helmet Secretary.

Wonder Woman — Superbabe fights crime.

post updated 12-28-12

Thinck Tank

If you're in a hurry or if you're a little wary or if you just need a hint, watch this video and you'll get a smattering of what the Thinck Tank blog is about.

3-Word Movie Descriptions

There are all kinds of reasons why people go to the movies or watch movies on TV. I have no idea what their reasons are. But I know what my reasons are and I think I might share these reasons with a few other people.

Now, these aren't movie reviews, they're movie descriptions, like the brief one-line descriptions we were getting from the old TV Guide just before they went tabloid on us and lost me as a reader. My descriptions, however, are designed for the Web, where there's no point in mincing words and every reason to cut to the bottom line. And still retain a modicum of moral decency. So, I guess what I'm saying is that these 3-word movie descriptions are rated somewhere between "G" and "R". The rest is up to you.

And, yep, I think what I expected from these movies and what I got was pretty much the same thing — most of the time — but sometimes my reasons for watching a movie and what the movie was really about were as different as night and day.

Some of these movies I fully intended to watch and some of them I simply ran across on TV as I was recording another movie or programming VCRs after a power outage. Which means that some of these movies are my all-time favorites and some of them make me want to betray these Hollywood turds to alien bugs for being such incorrigible perverts. I haven't watched live TV since 1995 so I often get a shock when I turn it on. Yep, for this post, one word wasn't really enough and four were too many. All right, then. Here you go.

3:10 to Yuma (1957) — Farmer delivers outlaw.

3:10 to Yuma (2007) — Outlaw delivers pegleg.

Above the Law — Comeback Spook Cop.

Exit Wounds — Motown Macho Mojo.

Fire Down Below — Coal Country Caper.

Glimmerman — Comeback Spook Cop.

Hard To Kill — The Comeback Cop.

Out for Justice — Brooklyn pig hunt.

Under Seige — Nut wants nukes.

Under Siege 2 — Nut wants bucks.

Absolute Power — Thief devils president.

As Good as It Gets — Writer woos waitress.

American Pie — Pastry porking pervert.

Ben-Hur — Slave kisses butt.

Blade Runner — Assassin taps android.

The Blue Max — Flyboy taps countess.

Blow — Depp deals dope.

Bonnie and Clyde — Loser bank robbers.

The Bourne Identity — Spy meets girl.

The Bourne Supremacy — Spy loses girl.

The Bourne Ultimatum — Spy goes bye.

Bullitt — Cop burns rubber.

Casablanca — Gin joint hijinks.

Chinatown — P.I. taps client.

The Two Jakes — P.I. probes tapping.

Copland — Sheriff pares Apple.

Death Wish — Goof goes vigilante.

Death Wish II — Goof husband's revenge.

Death Wish III — Goof guns goons.

Death Wish IV — Goof hunts pushers.

Death Wish V — Bronson & Bronson.

The Deer Hunter — Steelworkers do Nam.

Die Hard — Cop foils heist.

Die Hard 2 — Cop foils hijack.

Die Hard: With a Vengeance — Cop foils heist.

Live Free or Die Hard — Cop foils hackers.

Dirty Harry — Cop versus kook.

Magnum Force — Cop versus kooks.

The Enforcer — Cops versus kooks.

Enemy of the State — Feds abuse citizens.

The Exorcist — Devil does D.C.

The Departed — Boston pig hunt.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels — Con tap flap.

Donnie Brasco — Depp betrays dope.

Double Jeopardy — Jailbird wife's revenge.

Dr. No — Key Lime Spy.

From Russia With Love — Spy taps spy.

Goldfinger — Gold Metal Spy.

You Only Live Twice — Double O Senpai.

The Fugitive — Feds abuse power.

U.S. Marshals — Feds abuse everything.

Forbidden Planet — Astronauts woo broad.

The French Connection — Pushers punk cops.

French Connection II — Cop hunts frogs.

FX — Patsy gets played.

FX2 — Patsy played again.

Get Shorty — Collector does Hollywood.

Grumpy Old Men — Codgers woo hag.

Grumpier Old Men — Codger woos hag.

Heat — Pacino Pork Roast.

High Plains Drifter — Ghost devils town.

Hoffa — Jack does Jimmy.

Key Largo — Boys night in.

Kiss of Death — Thief drops dime.

L.A. Confidential — Detectives caught porking.

Last Man Standing — Drifter punks bootleggers.

Mars Attacks — Martians punk Earthlings.

Miller's Crossing — Gangster taps moll.

Mulholland Falls — Detective caught porking.

Murder at 1600 — Taps & Caps.

Niagara — Marilyn Monroe Magic.

Ocean's Eleven (1960) — Rat Pack Romp.

Ocean's Eleven (2001) — Rat Brat Romp.

The Parent Trap (1960) — Twins punk parents.

The Parent Trap (1998) — Hayley gets recycled.

Patriot Games — The Comeback Spy.

Patton — General throws fits.

Pirates of the Caribbean (pick one) — Swish Buckler Depp.

Quick Change — Clown punks police.

Red Rock West — Drifter's money problems.

Robin Hood (1938) — Limeys in Leotards.

The Rocketeer — Pilot devils Nazis.

Ronin — Killers kife case.

Saving Private Ryan — G.I. goes missing.

Set It Off — Janitors punk police.

Shadow Conspiracy — Soft Money Spy.

Smokey and the Bandit — Leadfoots versus loudmouth.

Smokey and the Bandit Part II — Leadfoots versus loudmouth.

Smokey and the Bandit Part III — Leadfoot versus loudmouth.

Spartacus — Slave kicks butt.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture — Lost in Space.

Star Wars — Babe in Boyland.

Taxi Driver — Cabbie cleans Apple.

Terminator — Cyborg does L.A.

Terminator 2 — Cyborgs do L.A.

Terminator 3 — Cyborgs do L.A.

Three Days of the Condor — Spook meets shutterbug.

Traffic — Duped by dope.

Uncle Buck — Uncle kicks butt.

The Untouchables — Fed's temp assignment.

post updated 12-28-12