Scary Old Man Spacecast

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The Scary Old Man

It’s what every middle-aged man fears as he approaches age 55, that one-way gate in what still ought to be mid-life that you are forced to pass through and surrender any weapons or treasures left over from youth. Like head hair, hairless ear lobes, arched feet, flat stomach and a mouth full of teeth. Oh, yeah, I forgot: your dignity.

But many of us aging youngsters still wouldn’t complain about entering The Senior Citizen Gate if our very presence on sidewalks and in stores didn’t strike fear in the hearts and minds of women and children. That's every man’s biggest fear about growing old. That life will push the boy that still lives inside him through that high-mileage gate at 55 and make him emerge on the other side as a tubby ogre struggling to walk a straight line despite the many aches and pains he's forced to endure.

Suddenly, that old father and young great-uncle in the tan corduroy jeans, two-tone long-sleeve pullover, ball cap and brown Hush Puppies looks like Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers all rolled into one. Only older, a lot older. As old as Satan.

The only upside of this story of senior citizen paranoia is that, once in a while, a formidable and savvy college coed merely points you out to her girlfriend and they both laugh. They don’t see the bogeyman. They see what looks like a deflating hot air balloon decorated with a ball cap and brown suede shoes, looking for a place to land.

But, what the hell. After a middle-aged man passes through “the old codger gate”, being mistaken for nothing but a lot of hot air can easily be misconstrued as a compliment.

Here we go again.

Today is my 56th birthday. Once a senior citizen, always a senior citizen.

Actually, I don't really give a hoot. The only birthday I ever dreaded in my entire life was my 30th, like most other young people.

After that I thought, What the hell, the first 100 years is only a drop in the big bucket anyway.

Senior Scare Tactics

In 16 days I'll officially be a senior citizen, according to one measure of what constitutes a senior citizen. That's the age at which a person can get a senior citizen discount in most stores and restaurants in this part of the country. Age 55.

When I was a kid I always thought that a senior citizen was someone over 70 or at least retired. But, nowadays, they're putting us out to pasture a lot earlier and they're not trotting us out afterward, even if they need us. But that's not my biggest fear about being a senior citizen. My biggest fear about being a senior citizen is being house-ridden and looking forward to Home Delivery Meals as the biggest event of my day.

The demons in my life will no longer be failure and poverty and poor health but seeing this person headed my way (see pic). But then, that's not the worse case scenario. The worse case scenario would be seeing no one at my door at all.