Now, these aren't movie reviews, they're movie descriptions, like the brief one-line descriptions we were getting from the old TV Guide just before they went tabloid on us and lost me as a reader. My descriptions, however, are designed for the Web, where there's no point in mincing words and every reason to cut to the bottom line. And still retain a modicum of moral decency. So, I guess what I'm saying is that these 3-word movie descriptions are rated somewhere between "G" and "R". The rest is up to you.
And, yep, I think what I expected from these movies and what I got was pretty much the same thing — most of the time — but sometimes my reasons for watching a movie and what the movie was really about were as different as night and day.
Some of these movies I fully intended to watch and some of them I simply ran across on TV as I was recording another movie or programming VCRs after a power outage. Which means that some of these movies are my all-time favorites and some of them make me want to betray these Hollywood turds to alien bugs for being such incorrigible perverts. I haven't watched live TV since 1995 so I often get a shock when I turn it on. Yep, for this post, one word wasn't really enough and four were too many. All right, then. Here you go.
3:10 to Yuma (1957) — Farmer delivers outlaw.
3:10 to Yuma (2007) — Outlaw delivers pegleg.
Above the Law — Comeback Spook Cop.
Exit Wounds — Motown Macho Mojo.
Fire Down Below — Coal Country Caper.
Glimmerman — Comeback Spook Cop.
Hard To Kill — The Comeback Cop.
Out for Justice — Brooklyn pig hunt.
Under Seige — Nut wants nukes.
Under Siege 2 — Nut wants bucks.
Absolute Power — Thief devils president.
As Good as It Gets — Writer woos waitress.
American Pie — Pastry porking pervert.
Ben-Hur — Slave kisses butt.
Blade Runner — Assassin taps android.
The Blue Max — Flyboy taps countess.
Blow — Depp deals dope.
Bonnie and Clyde — Loser bank robbers.
The Bourne Identity — Spy meets girl.
The Bourne Supremacy — Spy loses girl.
The Bourne Ultimatum — Spy goes bye.
Bullitt — Cop burns rubber.
Casablanca — Gin joint hijinks.
Chinatown — P.I. taps client.
The Two Jakes — P.I. probes tapping.
Copland — Sheriff pares Apple.
Death Wish — Goof goes vigilante.
Death Wish II — Goof husband's revenge.
Death Wish III — Goof guns goons.
Death Wish IV — Goof hunts pushers.
Death Wish V — Bronson & Bronson.
The Deer Hunter — Steelworkers do Nam.
Die Hard — Cop foils heist.
Die Hard 2 — Cop foils hijack.
Die Hard: With a Vengeance — Cop foils heist.
Live Free or Die Hard — Cop foils hackers.
Dirty Harry — Cop versus kook.
Magnum Force — Cop versus kooks.
The Enforcer — Cops versus kooks.
Enemy of the State — Feds abuse citizens.
The Exorcist — Devil does D.C.
The Departed — Boston pig hunt.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels — Con tap flap.
Donnie Brasco — Depp betrays dope.
Double Jeopardy — Jailbird wife's revenge.
Dr. No — Key Lime Spy.
From Russia With Love — Spy taps spy.
Goldfinger — Gold Metal Spy.
You Only Live Twice — Double O Senpai.
The Fugitive — Feds abuse power.
U.S. Marshals — Feds abuse everything.
Forbidden Planet — Astronauts woo broad.
The French Connection — Pushers punk cops.
French Connection II — Cop hunts frogs.
FX — Patsy gets played.
FX2 — Patsy played again.
Get Shorty — Collector does Hollywood.
Grumpy Old Men — Codgers woo hag.
Grumpier Old Men — Codger woos hag.
Heat — Pacino Pork Roast.
High Plains Drifter — Ghost devils town.
Hoffa — Jack does Jimmy.
Key Largo — Boys night in.
Kiss of Death — Thief drops dime.
L.A. Confidential — Detectives caught porking.
Last Man Standing — Drifter punks bootleggers.
Mars Attacks — Martians punk Earthlings.
Miller's Crossing — Gangster taps moll.
Mulholland Falls — Detective caught porking.
Murder at 1600 — Taps & Caps.
Niagara — Marilyn Monroe Magic.
Ocean's Eleven (1960) — Rat Pack Romp.
Ocean's Eleven (2001) — Rat Brat Romp.
The Parent Trap (1960) — Twins punk parents.
The Parent Trap (1998) — Hayley gets recycled.
Patriot Games — The Comeback Spy.
Patton — General throws fits.
Pirates of the Caribbean (pick one) — Swish Buckler Depp.
Quick Change — Clown punks police.
Red Rock West — Drifter's money problems.
Robin Hood (1938) — Limeys in Leotards.
The Rocketeer — Pilot devils Nazis.
Ronin — Killers kife case.
Saving Private Ryan — G.I. goes missing.
Set It Off — Janitors punk police.
Shadow Conspiracy — Soft Money Spy.
Smokey and the Bandit — Leadfoots versus loudmouth.
Smokey and the Bandit Part II — Leadfoots versus loudmouth.
Smokey and the Bandit Part III — Leadfoot versus loudmouth.
Spartacus — Slave kicks butt.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture — Lost in Space.
Star Wars — Babe in Boyland.
Taxi Driver — Cabbie cleans Apple.
Terminator — Cyborg does L.A.
Terminator 2 — Cyborgs do L.A.
Terminator 3 — Cyborgs do L.A.
Three Days of the Condor — Spook meets shutterbug.
Traffic — Duped by dope.
Uncle Buck — Uncle kicks butt.
The Untouchables — Fed's temp assignment.
post updated 12-28-12
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