3-Word TV Show Descriptions

After I started writing the post 3-Word Movie Descriptions I realized that what had begun as a lark had somehow become "a mission". I watched that blog post in utter fascination as it mutated from 50 to 100 items, almost as if someone else were writing it and not me. I also found out that it's not easy to come down from a high like that, cold turkey.

So, here's another list. This one consists of 3-word descriptions of television shows from the 1950s through the mid-1990s. Back when I was still watching live TV. I can't even begin to think about 3-word descriptions for TV shows after 1995 because I haven't watched a single one since 1995. So, that means there are no TV shows from the 21st Century in this list. OK by me.

That's right, for the past 17 years I've only watched VHS recordings and DVD collections of movies and TV shows from the 1950s-1990s. I do this to escape from reality. I've had enough of reality. I've got enough reality to do me for the rest of my life. I've got reality coming outta my ears. So, here's the list. After this list hits 100 shows I'll let it rest like a sleeping dog that might bite me if I wake it up. That's right, you'd probably never see these descriptions in the old TV Guide. Too bad. They could have been real time savers.

The A-Team — Cheesy commando capers.

The Addams Family — Stale Munster Cheese.

Alice — Widowed Waitress Woes.

All in the Family — Anti-WASP Lear shit.

The Andy Griffith Show — Sheriff knows everything.

Bachelor Father — Life before Dynasty.

Barnaby Jones — Jed goes gumshoe.

The Beverly Hillbillies — Buddy Ebsen 90210.

Bewitched — Nosey housewife trouble.

The Bionic Woman — Tit-for-Tat Libber shit.

Bonanza — Cowboy land-hog family.

The Brady Bunch — Florence Henderson's nightmare.

Cagney and Lacey — Bitches with badges.

Cannon — Pork Pie P.I.

Captain Kangaroo — Free grandpa babysitter.

Car 54, Where AreYou? — Life before Munsters.

The Carol Burnett Show — Harvey Korman Hour.

Charlie's Angels — Eye Candy Spies.

Checkmate — Snobby Frisco gumshoes.

Cheers — Tavern enables losers.

CHiPs — Cheesy biker cops.

Dallas — Texas Oil Soap.

The Danny Thomas Show — Dad throws fits.

The David Letterman Show — Host disrespects people.

The Dick Van Dyke Show — Pathetic pussy-whipped husband.

Dragnet — Cop talk show.

The Dukes of Hazzard — Moonshine monkey business.

Dynasty — Denver Oil Soap.

The Ed Sullivan Show — Live floor shows.

The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show — Hollywood housewife hijinks.

Get Smart — Tennessee Tuxedo Spy.

The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. — Girl, my ass.

The Golden Girls — Susan Harris filth.

The Gong Show — Tinker, Tailor, Emcee.

Green Acres — Hicks devil newcomer.

Gunsmoke — Bored out west.

Happy Days — Dopey Doo-Wop Days.

Hawaii Five-O — Prick in Paradise.

Hazel — Hag maid's escapades.

Hee Haw — Flyover variety show.

Here's Lucy — Secretary from hell.

Hill Street Blues — Touchy feely precinct.

I Dream of Jeannie — Bottled Up Babe.

I Love Lucy — Housewife from hell.

The Jeffersons — Husband throws fits.

Knight Rider — Chatty Cathy Car.

Kojak — Telly Savalas shit.

Leave It to Beaver — Stupid boy's shenanigans.

Little House on the Prairie — Bookoo boo-hoo settlers.

The Love Boat — Soap that floats.

Lost in Space — Zorro-Lassie Space-Time Continuum.

The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour — Housewife from hell.

The Lucy Show — Secretary from hell.

Magnum, P.I. — Cheesy paradise gumshoe.

Make Room for Daddy — Dad throws fits.

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman — More Lear shit.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show — Laura Petrie's Zombie.

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. — Botany 500 spooks.

Mannix — L.A. P.I. hijinks.

Married With Children — Family from hell.

M*A*S*H — Alan Alda soapbox.

Maude — Born to bitch.

The Mickey Mouse Club — Kids hawk Disney.

Mission Impossible — Hokey impossible missions.

Mork & Mindy — Clown from space.

Mr. Ed — Gabby equine escapades.

The Munsters — Ghouls secure mortgage.

The Muppet Show — Politically correct puppets.

My Favorite Martian — Interplanetary Odd Couple.

My Three Sons — Clueless suburban dad.

The Nanny — Brazen bombshell whiner.

Newhart — Green Acres, Vermont.

One Day at a Time — FUBAR feminist mom.

Petticoat Junction — Hooterville hooter stop.

Police Woman — Bitch with badge.

Rat Patrol — Jeeps versus Tanks.

Quantum Leap — Time-travel identity crisis.

The Rifleman — Rancher pumps Winchester.

Sanford and Son — Dad from hell.

Saturday Night Live — Baby-Boomer Comedy Hour.

Seinfeld — Over-indulged cross-eyed comic.

Sesame Street — Politically correct puppets.

The Simpsons — Cartoon from hell.

60 Minutes — Mike Wallace Show.

The Smurfs — Politically correct gnomes.

St. Elsewhere— Masochistic Medical Misery.

Space 1999 — Landaus go missing.

Star Trek — Starship without seatbelts.

Taxi — Cabbies versus Prick.

The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson — Celebrity gab fest.

The Tonight Show Starring Jay Leno — Johnny goes missing.

Three's Company — Suzanne Somers shack-up.

To Tell the Truth — Liar, liar, kidder.

The Partridge Family — Family bubble gum.

You Bet Your Life — Groucho grills America.

Welcome Back, Kotter — Classroom from hell.

The Waltons — Life before Walmart.

What's My Line? — Knickerbockers know nothing.

WKRP in Cincinnati — Hair Helmet Secretary.

Wonder Woman — Superbabe fights crime.

post updated 12-28-12

3-Word Movie Descriptions

There are all kinds of reasons why people go to the movies or watch movies on TV. I have no idea what their reasons are. But I know what my reasons are and I think I might share these reasons with a few other people.

Now, these aren't movie reviews, they're movie descriptions, like the brief one-line descriptions we were getting from the old TV Guide just before they went tabloid on us and lost me as a reader. My descriptions, however, are designed for the Web, where there's no point in mincing words and every reason to cut to the bottom line. And still retain a modicum of moral decency. So, I guess what I'm saying is that these 3-word movie descriptions are rated somewhere between "G" and "R". The rest is up to you.

And, yep, I think what I expected from these movies and what I got was pretty much the same thing — most of the time — but sometimes my reasons for watching a movie and what the movie was really about were as different as night and day.

Some of these movies I fully intended to watch and some of them I simply ran across on TV as I was recording another movie or programming VCRs after a power outage. Which means that some of these movies are my all-time favorites and some of them make me want to betray these Hollywood turds to alien bugs for being such incorrigible perverts. I haven't watched live TV since 1995 so I often get a shock when I turn it on. Yep, for this post, one word wasn't really enough and four were too many. All right, then. Here you go.

3:10 to Yuma (1957) — Farmer delivers outlaw.

3:10 to Yuma (2007) — Outlaw delivers pegleg.

Above the Law — Comeback Spook Cop.

Exit Wounds — Motown Macho Mojo.

Fire Down Below — Coal Country Caper.

Glimmerman — Comeback Spook Cop.

Hard To Kill — The Comeback Cop.

Out for Justice — Brooklyn pig hunt.

Under Seige — Nut wants nukes.

Under Siege 2 — Nut wants bucks.

Absolute Power — Thief devils president.

As Good as It Gets — Writer woos waitress.

American Pie — Pastry porking pervert.

Ben-Hur — Slave kisses butt.

Blade Runner — Assassin taps android.

The Blue Max — Flyboy taps countess.

Blow — Depp deals dope.

Bonnie and Clyde — Loser bank robbers.

The Bourne Identity — Spy meets girl.

The Bourne Supremacy — Spy loses girl.

The Bourne Ultimatum — Spy goes bye.

Bullitt — Cop burns rubber.

Casablanca — Gin joint hijinks.

Chinatown — P.I. taps client.

The Two Jakes — P.I. probes tapping.

Copland — Sheriff pares Apple.

Death Wish — Goof goes vigilante.

Death Wish II — Goof husband's revenge.

Death Wish III — Goof guns goons.

Death Wish IV — Goof hunts pushers.

Death Wish V — Bronson & Bronson.

The Deer Hunter — Steelworkers do Nam.

Die Hard — Cop foils heist.

Die Hard 2 — Cop foils hijack.

Die Hard: With a Vengeance — Cop foils heist.

Live Free or Die Hard — Cop foils hackers.

Dirty Harry — Cop versus kook.

Magnum Force — Cop versus kooks.

The Enforcer — Cops versus kooks.

Enemy of the State — Feds abuse citizens.

The Exorcist — Devil does D.C.

The Departed — Boston pig hunt.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels — Con tap flap.

Donnie Brasco — Depp betrays dope.

Double Jeopardy — Jailbird wife's revenge.

Dr. No — Key Lime Spy.

From Russia With Love — Spy taps spy.

Goldfinger — Gold Metal Spy.

You Only Live Twice — Double O Senpai.

The Fugitive — Feds abuse power.

U.S. Marshals — Feds abuse everything.

Forbidden Planet — Astronauts woo broad.

The French Connection — Pushers punk cops.

French Connection II — Cop hunts frogs.

FX — Patsy gets played.

FX2 — Patsy played again.

Get Shorty — Collector does Hollywood.

Grumpy Old Men — Codgers woo hag.

Grumpier Old Men — Codger woos hag.

Heat — Pacino Pork Roast.

High Plains Drifter — Ghost devils town.

Hoffa — Jack does Jimmy.

Key Largo — Boys night in.

Kiss of Death — Thief drops dime.

L.A. Confidential — Detectives caught porking.

Last Man Standing — Drifter punks bootleggers.

Mars Attacks — Martians punk Earthlings.

Miller's Crossing — Gangster taps moll.

Mulholland Falls — Detective caught porking.

Murder at 1600 — Taps & Caps.

Niagara — Marilyn Monroe Magic.

Ocean's Eleven (1960) — Rat Pack Romp.

Ocean's Eleven (2001) — Rat Brat Romp.

The Parent Trap (1960) — Twins punk parents.

The Parent Trap (1998) — Hayley gets recycled.

Patriot Games — The Comeback Spy.

Patton — General throws fits.

Pirates of the Caribbean (pick one) — Swish Buckler Depp.

Quick Change — Clown punks police.

Red Rock West — Drifter's money problems.

Robin Hood (1938) — Limeys in Leotards.

The Rocketeer — Pilot devils Nazis.

Ronin — Killers kife case.

Saving Private Ryan — G.I. goes missing.

Set It Off — Janitors punk police.

Shadow Conspiracy — Soft Money Spy.

Smokey and the Bandit — Leadfoots versus loudmouth.

Smokey and the Bandit Part II — Leadfoots versus loudmouth.

Smokey and the Bandit Part III — Leadfoot versus loudmouth.

Spartacus — Slave kicks butt.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture — Lost in Space.

Star Wars — Babe in Boyland.

Taxi Driver — Cabbie cleans Apple.

Terminator — Cyborg does L.A.

Terminator 2 — Cyborgs do L.A.

Terminator 3 — Cyborgs do L.A.

Three Days of the Condor — Spook meets shutterbug.

Traffic — Duped by dope.

Uncle Buck — Uncle kicks butt.

The Untouchables — Fed's temp assignment.

post updated 12-28-12