If being "bug-eyed" means that the saucer-eyed boy everybody thought you once were was actually a misinterpretation of the "horrified boy" you really were, then, yep, I was the original "bug-eyed boy".As I grew up in 1950's and 1960's Appalachia, my eyes were bugged out half the time from seeing and hearing things that I could hardly believe. If you have any sense of right and wrong or fairness or feel any obligation or desire to be good, like I did, life is a "shock to your system" more than anything else. Especially as a kid. Here are a dozen examples:
1. That really fat girl dog or girl cat next door can suddenly become a skinnier dog or cat overnight — or even at the drop of a hat — and then be surrounded by little-wee puppies or kittens that no one seems to want except you. So, look but don't touch. Once you touch a puppy or a kitten God makes you their keeper for life.
2. If you see a girl squatting at the edge of the playground, be polite and look away. You'll both be a lot better off if you do.
3. A mouthful of soda pop has no where to go but "out" if you have to sneeze or cough before you can swallow it. Trying to save that fizzy gulp around a sneeze or a cough will only turn your nose into an acid volcano that will make you lose control of other bodily functions as well. Be glad you saw someone else breaking this "kid rule of thumb" before you tried it yourself. It's always better to be "bug-eyed" than to be "be-shit".
4. That's right, men coming out of bars in the middle of the afternoon make up words you'd never imagine in a million years. Make sure your mouth isn't full of fizzing sody pop when you hear them "swear a blue streak" like it's free or something. Sooner or later they'll pay for it when someone bigger and better than them teaches them a lesson about "dirty hollering" in public.
5. Yep, that's the biggest green worm you ever saw. And, no, they're not supposed to be that big. Walk away before you see its face.
6. Nope, nobody knows why grown men pee in alleys and on trees. Yep, he's peeing a river, all right. Run before he sees you seeing him being a worthless drunken bum who ought to be slapped silly.
7. Don't you dare let that fat lady coming down the street hear you calling her "fat". She's not fat. She's "full-figured". So, don't even think about pointing her out to your friends. Now put your eyes back in your head and get out of her way. All of you.
8. Isn't that something? Warner Bros. cartoon characters can hit each other with big mallets and frying pans all day long without suffering any permanent damage. Go ahead and laugh. Or be "shocked and bug-eyed", if you want to. If you get all "shocked and bug-eyed" then you probably won't be tempted to try this at home.
9. Unh, hunh. It sure seems that way. Mr. So-And-So spends more money on his car than he does on his house or his wife and kids. Now, don't judge the man. Just enjoy the fins and all that chrome and those spectacular "white wall tires" while you can. One day soon — even before you know it — making beautiful cars will be a lost art.
10. Now don't stare at this other Mr. So-And-So with your mouth open and your eyes all bugged out. He can't help it that he walks that way or that his lips twitch and his breath whistles. He's not crazy or "retarded". He has a "tic". What's a "tic"? That must be some kind of grown-up secret because no one ever explains to you what that means. It must mean something contagious. Now get out of his way before you catch it.
11. No problem, here. You're not the only kid whose eyes bugged out when you saw a fourth-grade boy punch, beat down and then nearly kick to death another fourth-grader until the cows came home. And right on the school playground, too, while the grown-up world of teachers, janitors, neighbors and parents seems to have disappeared conveniently forever. Let's just hope this little monster dies in an auto accident or something before he can breed and pass on those little monster genes in his DNA that made him think another nine-year-old boy's head was a football. Avoid him like the plague. He may not even be human. Or, if this is being human, they can have it.
12. You got it. That's the brain-destroying sound of the town fire whistle blowing from only two blocks away, making you miss what Bugs Bunny said to Yosemite Sam. It's loud enough to burst your brain cells and maybe even cause a nosebleed. Why they test the whistle every Saturday at noon is a mystery to everyone when the darn thing blows two or three times a day, anyway, each and every day, because most grownups in this area have no clue what to do with fire or electricity. When your eyes return to their sockets, thank your lucky stars that your parents know what to do with fire and electricity, even if the stupid fire whistle doesn't seem to bother them (or any other grownups in this noisy, motorhead town) in the least.
