A Cold Day in Hell

Once upon a time, I tried to peddle my books at a bricks-and-mortar bookstore. When I got there I introduced myself and asked to speak with someone about selling my novels there. A couple of minutes later an elf appeared, apparently looking for a man in a suit or at least the latest fashionable attire from that yuppie-loving outfitter L.L. Bean.

When the elf finally realized that I was the author and that yes, indeed, I was wearing a ball cap and a barn coat, her face turned ten shades of elf color and then she spent what little time she gave me by trying to make me feel as bad about myself as she possibly could for 1) being in a barn coat and ball cap, despite the fact that I was clean-shaven and otherwise well-groomed, 2) being a Print-On-Demand author which the elf made very clear to me that there were just so many of them around (as though we bred like flies and had our hands out for the rest of our lives) and 3) that I had interrupted her day to talk about a POD book (and not a real one from their distribution list out of New York City) and that I had the gall to do so while wearing a barn coat and ball cap (despite the fact that it was a new barn coat and an attractive ball cap advertising Martha’s Vineyard).

Despite the fact that almost everyone in the bookstore was dressed casually and some even more casually than I was, I immediately got the picture.  Nobody in that bookstore was dressed up. Nobody had a tie and jacket on. This was a college town. Ball caps were on heads everywhere. But, I got the message this incredible little snob wanted me to get. She wanted me to take my five books and just go away. Fine. I'd do just that but not just yet, I told myself, undeterred by her nasty demeanor. I was determined not to be bested by the snooty FemBot before me, elf or no elf. I asked her if I could leave my card with her and, reluctantly, she took it without even looking at it, like it was alive and already in the act of violating her somehow. Then I thanked her (for what? I later asked myself) and left.

Outside, I asked myself if I would ever sign books in such a place as that, in the unlikely event that my novels would one day appear on some big-time New York City publishing list. Then, without hesitation, I answered myself.

“It'll be a cold day in hell,” I replied.

100% Rag

A year ago I wrote a letter to The Centre Daily Times, which is the only newspaper serving my area. I wasn't asking them for a review of my science fiction novels because I know they don't review self-published books. I was just making them aware of my authorship and Internet presence. There aren't many authors of any kind in my neighborhood and probably not a whole lot of authors in this area have written six science fiction thrillers. But I never even heard from The Centre Daily Times regarding my letter.

If I had been a former housewife (and especially a happily divorced woman writing her first POD book) or a member of Penn State's GLBT "community" or a physically-challenged and perhaps transgendered first-time author, I would have recieved a full-page splash in the CDT local section, regardless of what I wrote about or how it got published.

And this is not intended to disparage these minorities because I support everyone's own lifestyle choices as their personal right to their own lives, whether or not their choices coincide with mine. This is what freedom is all about. What I'm suggesting is that, because I was a 54-year-old divorced white man from Snow Shoe, I was immediately on their "we couldn't care less list".

No wonder The Centre Daily Times didn't cover the Grand Reunion 2000 of Snow Shoe High School, a huge and monumental event in the history of the entire Mountaintop Region of Centre County. A once-in-a-lifetime event that they were notified about by the Grand Reunion 2000 Committee. Maybe it's Snow Shoe the CDT doesn't like, who can say? If it's just plain snobbery, then it's catching, because WTAJ-TV Channel 10 from Altoona didn't want to cover it either. Neither did WJAC-TV Channel 6 from Johnstown. I should know. I was on the Grand Reunion 2000 Committee and I called those television stations myself.

Oh, well, I digress. This posting is really about The Centre Daily Times. As it were, the editor I wrote to didn't even have the common decency to respond. No wonder I don't subscribe to The Centre Daily Times. It should be called The Happy Valley Times or else The Penn State Times.

But that's all water under the bridge now. I just wanted to post a little history here for that day when the great and powerful Centre Daily Times asks me for an interview and I flatly decline.